Edited for iambic pentameter: (Shakespeare sonnet)
Coffee anyone?
I never walk to close to the sideline.
Lost in the vast crowds, I am just a sweat.
The tourists flock ahead, they all combine.
The man in white, now stares at me with threat.
Each car, a devil so filled up with hate.
Each little rover seems to be an ant.
One man, briefcase in hand, waves it as bait
As it stops, he gets in with a large pant.
5...4...The red hand seems to count down fast.
The lights seem as if not in my favor.
Now I can breathe when all the haste has passed.
Bracing myself, I smell the strong flavor
I lie and order iced coffee for two.
Her eyes are all I see in this cold brew
Coffee anyone?
I never amble too close to the outskirts of the sidewalk.
Blanketed by the crowds, I sweat approaching the bend.
Stalling, I allow even the tourists to surge ahead in a flock.
The once familiar man in white, now the means to an end.
Every car, a menacing devil. Every driver, unaware of his power.
And every pedestrian, a victim, surviving like an ant.
One suited culprit, briefcase in hand, hails a bright yellow monster.
It roars to a stop, gravel spits as he scurries in with a pant.
5…4…3… A face-off against the red threatening hand.
The lights mock me, as if finally satisfied.
My breaths stabilize when I successfully reach the mainland.
Bracing myself and embracing the potent smell, I traipse inside.
Ignoring the usual waves, l lie and order iced coffee for two
The brownness of her eyes is all I can see in the cold brew.
Powerful poem. You seem to be describing the speaker's fear of the dangers of the road, which you then explain in the last line by alluding to the speaker's relative or friend who seems to have died in a car accident. You were really able to creatively describe the emotions of the speaker by bringing the aspects of the road to life. For example: It roars to a stop, gravel spits as he scurries in with a pant.
ReplyDeleteI think that the last two lines fall a little flat after all the exciting language before. Also, maybe spend a little while longer on that last idea of his fear being based on a specific loss. (Unless you want the idea to be sharp and quick). Maybe lengthen your poem a bit if you feel that you can expound on that last idea.
small error: "to" in the first line is "too."
question: who is the "walking man in white" in the first stanza?
I thought this was a really adorable poem. I was definitely confused when I was reading it at the beginning, like who is the white man. Once the traffic descriptions continued and you talked about the red hand, I became aware of what was taking place. I like how you described the red hand as threatening-it captures that rush and urgency with which people race to make the light. I see that you wrote with 15 syllables in the line-which is cool, i feel like the rhythm I'm used to hearing in a sonnet gets lost, but i don't know that I would say you should change that because thats just my subjectivity of hearing a sonnet. My only confusion is with the last line, i'm not really sure what is taking place there? but maybe thats how you intended it to be-like maybe you wanted to leave with confusion because it goes with the whole hectic traffic scene. Really cool poem!
ReplyDeleteI like how you used such a strong emotion to color an otherwise normal activity. I thought all the strong details really help convey how this event shaped the speaker's perception of the world. I thought the "walking man in white" referring to the crossing light was very creative and I understood it completely after reading "a face-off against the red threatening hand". I thought the only thing that could be improved is the rhythm of the poem; some lines are too long in contrast to the shorter ones and it could flow a little better-- maybe cut some words to make the imagery even stronger and the flow of the poem more smooth. I was also intrigued by the title but I'm not sure I fully get the feelings of who is the traitor in this poem-- is it the friend who was killed? the car? the speaker? All in all, powerful and well-done poem!
ReplyDeleteMy favorite thing about this poem is how you showed how a person could be affected by something in their life and it change their whole perspective on the world around them. How such an experience can taint and follow their every day actions. Good job! One thing: I like the idea of everyone looking menacing and being a threat, but it creates some confusion into what actually happened. Definitely still use some imagery when describing the "suited culprit" for the "yellow monster" but it takes away from who the actual "traitor" is, which I am assuming is the person who killed someone else. Changing some of that diction could further clarify whose really at fault. I think as long as the descriptions for the true "traitor" are stronger than the others, he will win out as the traitor. Just a suggestion.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed discussing this poem in class last Tuesday. Like I said, it really does have potential. The sense of play and whimsy comes through in many lines, such as "I allow even the tourists to surge ahead in a flock." That's a funny and vivid image (though it occurs to me you could use the word "flock" as a verb, as in "the tourists flock ahead").
ReplyDeleteI would love to see if you can reshape this closer to pentameter. As we went over in class, the lines are nearly all too long. I would start by counting syllables, trying to shave things down to 10 syllables per line or so, then work on the rhythm, revising by voice and ear as we have been practicing. Remember: iambic pentameter is five two-syllable units in which most of the units follow a patter of unstressed, then stressed. Good luck!