Conquer the monster (revised accordingly)
Feet barely stretching toward the three golden toes.
Tears dying to plunge to the claws below.
A stinging bite.
Another.
Another.
The melody is being eaten away as the
clouded blue eyes beg for a breath.
Goosebumps.
The black and white teeth cackle.
The dark body towers over, shiny with sweat.
A dedicated soul approaches the creature.
Rachmaninoff's devils’ confident in their conniving schemes.
Abominable mutations black in color.
A fierce unsettling encounter entails.
88 teeth.
A set of paws, one on either side.
One damp lace shirt.
A lingering scent of deodorant.
Clear blue eyes size up the behemoth.
Striking chords.
A Yell.
Another.
Another.
A final stab.
The monster has been slayed.
Feet barely stretching toward the three perfectly aligned golden pedals.
Tears dying to plunge to their demise
A dissonant note.
another.
another.
The melody is lost,
clouded blue eyes begging for a break
“We’ll be here till you get this line”
Her skin has seen many years.
The black and white stripes laugh.
A dedicated soldier approaches her opponent.
Rachmaninoff's creatures’ confident in their strengths.
Intricate passages blacken the page.
A fierce unsettling encounter entails.
88 keys.
A set of weapons, one on either side.
One damp lace shirt.
A lingering scent of deodorant.
Clear blue eyes scan the battlefield.
Striking chords.
A final stab.
The monster has been slayed.
The solider saunters off.
You call this an elementary effort? I love it, powerful images and a true story behind the struggle of practicing piano. I identify with it, as I played piano growing up as well.
ReplyDeletejust adding to this: My favorite stanza is just the one where you state "88 keys." The rawness adds to the drama and tell the story in a unique way.I'm not sure how I feel about the image of the soldier to the piano. I think it could be tied more together with another sentence or two. The way it is now though, seems detached and not developed enough. I'd like to see a stronger interplay between the soldier and the struggling musician.
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ReplyDeleteI understood the meaning of the poem after the line "black and white stripes." I like the personification of the piano into an opponent/monster and the player as a soldier. The image of the piano as a set of weapon one on other side was beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if this poem could be made stronger if the extended metaphor started at the beginning of the poem and was carried all the way through. Overall great job!
Wow. At first I did not quite understand what this poem was talking about, but once it hit me, the image of the piano was striking. Your imagery describing the struggles of piano practice (or was it a recital?) is really unique. I especially love the lines, "Clear blue eyes scan the battlefield.
ReplyDeleteStriking chords.
A final stab." Great job!
Wow- who knew that playing the piano could be so intense? Great personification of the piano and the creative descriptions that made me have to read between the "stripes" to get their meaning. I especially liked your description of the "lingering sweat" because it "shows" her hard work and frustration all at once. I appreciate your contrasting use of the "clouded" and "clear" blue eyes, which offers a great way to come full circle, while also describing the speaker's feelings in an abstract way. I also liked your creative description of the tears "plunging to their demise."
ReplyDeleteIs there any way you can add a title that might help the reader along at the beginning when it was not so clear you were speaking of a piano? Even a title that does not hint about the piano might make the poem stand out more.
I identify with this poem as well, as I played piano when I was younger and growing up! The imagery in this poem is really incredible. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this poem. I loved the metaphor of a soldier going to battle describing the reader ready to conquer the song on the piano. From the tone of the poem I could feel the emotion and the tension that the speaker has towards the piano, the keys and even the teacher. It is as if it is a daunting for her. I thought that the comparison of the keys as weapons helps to strengthen the metaphor. great poem!
ReplyDeleteHey there! This is really great! Your use of visuals is amazing and I love how descriptive you are. I've never played piano but I can imagine that a child learning how to play might see it like this. Because I never played, I'm glad you put an image to help show what you were describing. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi! As someone who took piano lessons from a young age, the image of a piano came into my head after reading the first line!! You perfectly described the scene with lots of great imagery and emotion. I also like the metaphor of the battlefield and the piano notes visualized as soldiers. It was interesting that in the image of the lesson the blue eyes mentioned are clouded while in the image of the battlefield the eyes are clear. One thing that I would love are a few more lines to really cement the ideas of the battlefield and the piano lesson together.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of this poem, and I like the idea of "slaying the monster" a metaphor for learning to play the piano.
ReplyDeleteI have a few suggestions for you: rewrite the first stanza (which isn't as descriptive and vivid as the others), and add more to this. As you do so, make us see the piano as a monster. Develop the metaphor. Add "monstrous" details to your description of the piano.
If you are going to go with a battlefield metaphor, do you think that works with the monster metaphor? Maybe you should pick just one. They seem a little at odds to me. If you go with the battlefield, then unify the poem around that metaphor.
So whatever metaphor you choose--monster or battlefield--lean into it more and unify the poem around that theme, so that the context of the metaphor comes to life. The strength of this poem will be in the liveliness and thematic unity of the details.
One other thing: please consider using the left margin justification, instead of centering your poems. It's how these things are normally done and looks better to most poetry readers.
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