The Return (updated)
A regular sweltering day in my urban Texas
home.
The distant reverberation of the
The distant reverberation of the
garage door opening.
The unmade bed
The unmade bed
is back, even if for a fleeting moment.
I sit alone in my room and leaf through my books restlessly,
I hear my mother on the phone, "happy you landed"
Pondering if time will pass, it seems to lapse endlessly,
Patience expires like the words on my pages, I can't stand it.
I sit alone in my room and leaf through my books restlessly,
I hear my mother on the phone, "happy you landed"
Pondering if time will pass, it seems to lapse endlessly,
Patience expires like the words on my pages, I can't stand it.
I have been meticulously counting down these days
since the last visit. Craving that tangent smell
and contagious smile.
She gracefully walks through the door.
I prance towards her,
jumping into her arms. I no longer aimlessly
leaf through the book alone.
A regular sweltering day in my urban Texas
home.
The distant sound of the
The distant sound of the
garage door opening.
The unmade bed
The unmade bed
is back, even if only for a fleeting moment.
The Return
The Return
A regular sweltering day in my urban Texas
home.The distant sound of the
garage door opening. The unmade bed
is back, even if for a fleeting moment.
I sit in my room and leaf restlessly
through a book. I endlessly ponder
if the time will pass. I hear my mother
on the phone- “happy you landed!”
I grow increasingly impatient. I have been
meticulously counting down these days
since the last visit. craving that familiar smell
and contagious smile.
She gracefully walks through the door.
I prance towards her,
jumping into her arms. I no longer aimlessly
leaf through the book alone.
A regular sweltering day in my urban Texas
home.The distant sound of the
garage door opening. The unmade bed
is back, even if only for a fleeting moment.
This is a promising start to the class. You have a clear style that leaps out at your audience. The early part of the poem--the first two stanzas--is especially on track. You can cut some of the adjectives/adverbs--for example, "prance" is a good verb and already implies eagerness, so you don't need to include the adverb "eagerly." It's just clutter.
ReplyDeleteI would like to see you work on the principle of "show, don't tell." Here are some places that are too abstract and do not appeal to the senses "contagious smile"--describe it visually! "feeling of content"--instead, give us a "content" image. Also, no need to be so blunt with the last line. Instead of announcing her return, show her returning. Use an image of her arrival instead of telling us she has arrived.
Hope this helps. Again, there is some effective writing here. Good start.
Thank you, I made a few edits according to your comment!
DeleteEster, this is a poignant poem - sincere, raw, honest - very good first poem. Looking forward to more poems.
ReplyDeleteThat is lovely, and talks to my feelings
ReplyDeleteExcellent Ester!
ReplyDeleteThe vivid verbs you use are fantastic - "prance". I enjoyed how you started and ended the same way. I agree with Professor Miller where you need to "show not tell." Either way it is a great poem!
ReplyDeleteLoved this! There is a certain place in the heart for home so it's a great thing to write about.
ReplyDeleteI love how you describe your feelings through the images you show (i.e. mother on the phone, distant sound of garage opening, heat of the Texas day). It contextualizes the story and appeals to the readers senses.That said, I think you could push your stanzas that lack these images further by including more of them and replacing the redundancy in certain stanzas with those images
ReplyDeleteThe first (and last) stanza in this poem does a really good job of both setting the scene and the tone for the rest of the poem. I also like how the unmade bed "is back" reflecting the person returning for a "fleeting moment" as well.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite line of this poem is definitely "Patience expires like the words on my pages". It's such a loaded metaphor that leaves space for a lot of feeling. Because the first and last stanza were the same, I would have loved to see an additional stanza in the middle to create more of a story.
ReplyDelete